The Tale of the Change Slayer

I have been sitting in the same position for so long that it feels like Paul Bunyan just ran by and slammed his hatchet into my side. Dear Paul, I am not a tree. Love, Mel.

Today’s thought is the product of a discussion I was having with my friend, Janelle Marulli. Yes, Janelle, your name is now all over the Internet. Enjoy your stalkers ūüôā . Anyway, Janelle works at a bank and she was telling me about the people who come in and deposit money. Well, today was her lucky day because a man came in and deposited $3,623.46… in change.

Come on Mel! Get with the times!

Come on Mel! Get with the times!

Now, my first thought was “wow, counting that must have taken forever!” until¬†she reminded me¬†we no longer live in the 1800’s and we have machines that do annoying things for us. Like counting mass quantities of change. Once I lapsed out of my brain’s travel through time I then thought of the more obvious question: What the hell has he done to amass that much change?

Now, I know nothing about this man, but since Janelle said he walked right up to her¬†and with a jovial flourish announced, “I’m going to Foxwoods!” there are some stereotypical¬†assumptions I could make. For one, this gentleman very well could have just been putting all his spare change aside since the dawn of time, but it’s more fun if we go with the way I’ve currently stuck to imagining it…

Here’s the scene.

It’s a dark blustery day with ominous black clouds rolling in¬†from the East and the wind howling a frightful melody. Our main man, let’s call him Vinny, is stalking through a Stop and Shop parking lot with a worn leather trench coat covering his crooked hunched back. Vinny looks unkempt with a 5 o’clock shadow that’s coming up on¬†8 o’clock rather quickly. As he meanders through the parking lot it begins to drizzle, and as the rain falls upon his head it only enhances the glean of his greasy black comb over. It becomes apparent that Vinny isn’t here just to stroll through the lot. His black¬†squinty eyes are scouring the ground relentlessly for some unknown prize. He looks as if he’s searching for the key to the rest of his life; the one object he must obtain to salvage¬†his true self from the monster¬†he has become.

Suddenly, Vinny is no longer alone.¬†A precious old woman hobbles out of the Stop in Shop carrying her purse in one hand and a small bag of edible necessities in the other. Milk, eggs, cheese… the usual. Following closely behind her is her small grandchild, Angelica. The two are in high spirits as they make their way to their car to travel back to grandma’s for some cookies and milk. Vinny barely notices the pair as he continues searching the barren pavement until he sees a gleam (of hope?)¬†coming from their direction out of the corner of his eye.

At this moment everything seems to happen in slow motion. Innocent Angelica points to the unknown object abandoned¬†on the ground and mouths to her grandmother¬†with perfect phonics, “Ooh, grandma, a pretty quarter! May I have it?” Grandma nods with an approving grin and slowly begins to lean over in order to retrieve her granddaughter’s desire from the cold, wet ground.¬†Unbeknown to¬†the pair, Vinny has been watching the scene before him with absolute nauseating terror and a fury unlike any other¬†begins to boil inside of him. Without thinking, Vinny launches himself into the direction of Angelica and her grandmother. Bearing the force of a wild buffalo, Vinny tackles the grandmother like she’s the school nerd trying out for the state championship football team. Angelica can only watch with eyes wide and a silent mouth agape as her grandmother’s small frail body flies through the air lands atop a hummer parked three rows over.

"And this is when grandma got attacked by that crazy man!"

"And this is when grandma got attacked by that crazy man!"

Adrenaline rushing and breathing hard, Vinny seems to have no realization of what has just occurred as he stoops down to pick up and examine his prize. Nodding in silent approval, he quickly pockets the coveted quarter. With no more than a glance down at Angelica and her shaking body, Vinny turns and stalks out of a lot into the darkening night and rain.  The camera turns back to Angelica and slowly pulls away from the scene as she stands, immobile, staring off at the man who took her grandmother, her quarter, and her sanity.

The man legends call… The Change Slayer.

Cut scene.

So, yep. There you have it. That’s the background I imagine for the man my friend dealt with earlier at the bank. After attacking the grandmother and getting his final piece of change, he was able to clean himself up and head to the bank to cash it all and travel to Foxwoods to blow it on gambling. After that happens, he’ll just enter into his Change Slayer phase again until he finds enough to begin the cycle all over. Duh.

I’m curious as to how you would see it play out though…

Perhaps: “The Change Slayer 2: Grandma Gets Revenge”

 

Let me know ūüėČ

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