Help. I’ve attempted to hide and I’ve failed miserably.

So we’re going to be bypassing the question that I know is on everyone’s mind (where the hell have I been) and just squiggle right on to the more pertinent subject of what we’ll be discussing in today’s post.

As I was sitting down to write I was in an absolutely terrific and almost philosophic mood. I was all set to produce this post full of epic thoughts of grandeur on the matter of the written word. Well, even though I was poised and ready, it was not enough to combat the thoughts that then proceeded to enter my mind after my sister turned on the movie, “Funny Games”.

Now I know absolutely nothing about this movie, because we turned it on right in the middle, but there were two reasons it caused me to completely do a 360 on my subject matter:

  1. It’s a “scary” movie aka a “thriller”
  2. We tuned in right at the part where the small idiot child was “running” and “hiding” from the scary bad man (who happened to have a heinous mushroom cut and was dressed in an all white preppy sailing getup)

So now you ask, “Well, why is that Mel? Why would those two measly facts make you drift away from a post that had potential to be so epic and thoughtful? JUST WHY!?” This is what I riddle you back…

I love scary movies, but I am about to rant on the most obvious fact of every scary movie that EVERYONE almost always notes after seeing one. Why is it so necessary for the writers of these films to make the characters being chased by some sort of killer the most stupid people on the face of the planet? Just to make sure this isn’t an endless discussion on my behalf, I’ll simply stick to the movie my sister and I were watching that was the catalyst for this whole discussion.

Maybe if he kept the bag on his head he would have done a better escape job.

Maybe if he kept the bag on his head he would have done a better escape job.

The imbecile of a child has escaped the confinements of his blood spattered house and has made his way to the neighbor’s conveniently abandoned mansion. He enters the home and, instead of hiding inside, leaves a trail of wet footprints directly out onto the back porch where he proceeds to sit down outside and remove his shoes, socks, and pants. Unless he’s planning on getting some action in the time period between when he should be hiding and his blatantly impending death I have no idea why he does this. After removing said clothing, the young lad spasticaly scampers back into the house looking for a new hiding location, completely aware that his attacker is just about in the house.

When he makes it to the top floor he runs around in circles, picks a room, and hides against a wall. I’m sorry, unless he’s invisible against that wall, and that wall alone, that is THE WORST hiding place you could ever decide on. He must want to die. Lil’ tike here then must realize he has just completely failed at hiding himself and then chooses to clomp back and forth between two rooms like a damn stampede until he finds a shotgun (random?), as well as a closet, and slams the door to his new retreat. Don’t forget the attacker is in the house and these are wooden floors. I bet anyone 30 bucks he heard him. Ooh, I win! Almost as soon as the kid closes the door holding his gun by the barrel, the crazed killer finds him. Killer man then proceeds to taunt the boy by instructing him on the fundamentals and steps of firing a gun directly at his attacker. Eh, guess what, gun isn’t loaded and the killer knows this.

Kid taken and eventually shot by that same gun.

What I’m trying to say is that this is merely one case of the ever so prevalent stupid scary movie character. It does give the movies the base for their gory nature, but I want to see a movie where the prey does not make a single poor decision. If we had that, then you would either be left with a brilliant battle between hunter and hunted or an absolutely fantastic escape/death.

When someone comes up with that plot or, even better, knows of a movie that is already like that I implore you to let me know 🙂


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. matthewyannie
    Aug 09, 2009 @ 01:25:53

    the most dangerous game.
    not a movie, a book, or rather a short story and its dope as hell… and pretty much exactly what you seem to be asking for.
    get it, and read it, and like it.

    love, matt


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