Your name is what!?

I have determined there are several things at this job that tally a mark on my “stressful list”. After having made it through a week without any self-dismemberment – I now need to find ways to cope with these slight insecurities before the cosmos fall from above. Speaking of which… what’s your new zodiac sign? Because now, not only am I still a Taurus, I am also an Aries. Maybe I’ll sprout another head or something…

I digress.

Ready for the list? I warn you: It is terrifying while also absolutely significant to the wasting of your time to read about and understand my office insecurities. Here we go…

The List of Things I Don’t Know How to Deal With

  1. THE FRIGGING FINGERNAIL. Yep – it’s still there. I’ve tried several indirect methods of detachment, but none have prevailed. I slammed my body “accidentally” into the wall of the cubicle to try and rouse the bastard a bit – that didn’t work. I sat in my chair about 3in away and blew on it for a while – that didn’t work. I threw an empty paper cup at it – that also did nothing. I tried to flick it off with a stirrer and that, once again, did absolutely nothing. I am convinced the man was pulled forcefully out of the cubicle and, while he was holding on for dear life, the nail snapped off and embedded itself into the fabric. The only way this thing will ever come off is if someone pulls it. It’s not going to be me.
  2. I HAVE TO PEEEEE, BUT THE PHONE!!! One of my responsibilities includes answering the phone when it rings. I am the main phone person, as well as the least important person, in the office. I have to transfer all of the calls to everyone else. That being said – I am petrified to miss a phone call. I am also on the verge of dozing off quite frequently, so I drink a lot of tea to keep myself awake. My bladder handles tea like Mike Tyson handles ears. Every cup of tea equals out to about three pee trips. If I double up on tea, I double up on trips. So let’s add all of this together: (Need to answer the phone + need to drink tea)/(Need to answer the phone + need to pee) = panic. What I have resorted to, for now, is peeing VERY quickly. To date – I have only missed two calls due to urination. I guess I’m okay with that for right now, but performance failure frightens me.
  3. PHONE CALL MUMBLERS. This is only stressful because it makes me look like an idiot when, in actuality, the person on the other end of the phone needs to learn how to ENUNCIATE and say their damn name clearly. When I answer the phone, all I need is the person’s first name and the company they’re calling from. That’s it. So simple. I need these two pieces of information because the person I am transferring the call to would like to know to whom they will be speaking. So, you can understand how frustrating it is for me when I ask a person what their name is, and again politely to repeat it, and each time I think I hear them say “Terrycloth Lions”. No. That is not your name. Please slow down, speak into the receiver, and stop shoving a Twix in your mouth or whatever it is you are doing. Help me help you help me not sound like a tool on the phone when I tell my superiors that Terrycloth from United Pantbrigade is on the line.
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