You are going to love me for this one.
Scanning hundreds of documents onto the network provides ample amounts of time for me to hone my doing nothing skills and thoughts. This is what I’ve come up with so far today for you to ponder while your mind is floating through the abyss…
I needed a bathroom break; nature called and I chose (bravely) to answer. While I was in there doing my thang another woman came in. At first I was a little peeved because, hey, this is my bathroom. No not really for that reason, but who doesn’t enjoy being in solitude while, I’m just going to say it, taking a dump, dropping a deuce, pinching a loaf, sqweedling, etc? (I would really love to go on with those names. Maybe another time.)
Moving on. So, this woman comes in and I have to suddenly make an epic decision. I have three options:
- a) Pack my shit up, get mad, and postpone the inevitable.
- b) Sit there, hold it in silence, and make this the potentially most awkward bathroom journey of this woman’s life and one of the most hilarious for me.
- c) Get over it, share my potty time, and continue on with my business.
I chose option B.
Here’s how it played out: She comes in, rocking the sold colored, 1/2 inch heel, covered toe, blunted curved tip, navy blue shoes with tan nylons. Yes, when doing the infamous under-the-stall glance at a fellow (or rival) toilet-goers feet you are engaging in the only way to accurately judge your opponent. So, judge wisely and carefully. From my fine assessment, I would guess she was in her 50’s. If she was any younger than that, I may have to track her down and take her lower half of the body shopping.
Anyways, tacky shoe lady de-nylons and takes a seat on her throne. I am wriggling with anticipation in my stall. After far too long of a pause between the sit down and take off; it happens. When I thought the pause would never end (you know that anxious “why the hell isn’t it coming” time) I become witness to possibly the longest and most forceful pee to ever caress my ears. This pee was so intense you knew it was going to cause some foam/froth. It sounded like she was peeing a stream as thick as hose water from a height of about 54 feet. Not only that, but she stopped long enough for me to think it was over and then started again for as long as the first half of the monster pee!
When I was sure it had ended and I thought my day was complete, the unexpected happened. This woman took a dump. Now it wasn’t as masterful as the pee, but the fact of the matter is that she actually did it while fully aware I was in the stall next to her. I was so thrilled and amazed that I wanted to stand up and clap for this brilliant lady. Alas, I chose to contain myself as she finished her business, pulled up her nylons, washed her hands, and clicked those cheap ass tacky shoes out of the bathroom.
If any of you care, my mission was successful after that point and I skipped back to my office a happy camper. But that is not the point of this story.
What I’m getting at, and what I’m going to eventually leave you to ponder, is the subject of pooping next to a known bathroom mate. I don’t think many men have an issue with it, but women most certainly do, and I’ve never understood why. Everyone poops. Bottom line. Did no ones parents read them that book as a child? Hell, I read that book now. It’s a classic that should be in every single home. They even make shirts relating to it (which I happen to own). Pooping is a natural act that people should be able to experience together without feeling awkward about it. No one should care about the sound of their water splash/plop, if they accidentally fart beforehand, or if a stream of wild and crazy diarrhea comes out instead. Everyone you may potentially be sitting next to has been through the same thing and should not be judging you for it. Besides, If you’re really concerned, time your exit so you don’t have to see your poop-mate!
What made me love this woman so much, even with her horrid attire, was that she broke away from the norm and chose to poop next to a fellow pooper. Good for you, Nylon Lady, I’ve now capitalized your name and made you immortal via blog. You should be proud of yourself and your poop. See people. Pooping gets you places.
So ponder this: What are your thoughts? Do you have public pooping problems (medically diagnosed as PPP, not to be confused with “pee-pee”; yet another act this woman owned). Do you know people who suffer from PPP, and if so, do you think they should be required to practice publiclypooping? (wow, on a side note, it is really easy to use alliteration with this.) Think of how many people could be saved from having to uncomfortably hold their poop in while risking embarassing leakage!
What you think is very important to me, so if you feel like sharing your thoughts, leave a comment; I would love to see what your mind is producing at its height of doing nothing. Even if you were actually doing something and stopped to read this, all the better!
I’m going to go grab the rest of those scans and enter work mode again. For a little while at least… Per usual, bon voyage on your daily endeavours of nothing-ness 🙂
Your Mom Goes to College 